Embarrassed

I went to pick up my daughter yesterday and kids were looking at me. Not only were they laughing and pointing, they were calling other kids to come look at me. I felt like a circus freak. They looked me up and down. I was in total shock, didn't even have the energy to fight it.

I did manage to stare them out and give them "the look" but it was humiliating. I can't imagine these children have never in their lives seen a fat person. Why was I so different? I mean, I'm fat. I know that. But, it was just odd and so extremely humiliating.

It took me a lot to get through that yesterday. My feelings were hurt and I cried a while. Today I woke up and got back to life. What else can I do? Someday I won't be stuck in this body and will be a normal weight. It is so tough. :(

I'm stalled. I'm plateaued. Whatever you call it, I feel stuck.

But, I'm not giving up. I did start walking and I increased calories a bit to make up for the walking. I can only hope it moves the scale. It's frustrating, but I'm not giving up.

Stuck

I'm stuck, plateaued, whatever...I've lost 50 pounds and for almost a month, I haven't budged.

But, I'm gaining some awesome muscle and I've lost 10" around my entire body since February!

I also started walking. Wow, is that taking a toll. But, I need to do it. Hema and I walk in the evenings. It's nice sharing my weight loss goals and successes with her. She's only 7, but she loves walking with me and just going out. She even commented how you notice different things when you walk. How right is she?

I wish I could write that things are "looking up" but they aren't, really. I'm pretty overwhelmed.

My pre-cancer diagnosis has now turned into a "will-get-cancer-any-minute"diagnosis. I'm beyond bummed, obviously! I just wish I would have never let myself get to this point. For today, I'm going whine, bitch, and moan. After today, I'm only looking forward. I might whine a bit later on. Sorry.

Today my daughter made her First Holy Communion. I'm not super-duper religious and haven't even been considered a Catholic for many years. But, she goes to a Catholic school and learns a lot of yummy religious jargon and stuff, so she wanted to do the Communion.

She looked beautiful. A beautiful princess. I have so much to lose weight for, and seeing her today reminded me of that. It may be cancer, it may be weight, it may be walking across the street that kills me, but today I'm making the decision to say that at least, it won't be from being overweight.

Tough Day

Sometimes, I sit and wonder why this time will be any different? Why will I lose weight this time as opposed to the millions of other times I tried and failed?

I had a rough day. I continue to have a rough time with wanting to gorge myself out on anything and everything I can get my hands on. I'm trying desperately to identify the reason I am so obsessed with food. I can't put my finger on it and it's really very annoying and so frustrating.

I feel like if I had the answer, I could continue on this journey with the mental portion of the puzzle solved. But, that hasn't happened. I'm so frustrated.

I keep on keeping on. I went to the gym today, ate decently, and did some outdoor things to challenge myself. But, the desire to overeat is horrible.

Wish this piece of my puzzle could be put in place and let go. I just can't figure out why it's happening and I feel like if I solved that mystery, I'd be so ahead of the game. All in due time, I suppose.

Dear Mom,

I love you but you need to stop sabotaging my weight loss! Last week it was Mexican candy you know I love. A few days later it was loaves of bread you know I can never resist. Then, it came time for Easter dinner, and you kept saying you wanted me to go over to eat. Today, it's Peeps. Yes, the Easter candy Peeps.

I've managed to avoid every one of these traps. But, it makes me sad that you can't support me, especially since you know I'm trying so desperately to lose weight. Also, you know I'm succeeding at losing weight.

Lighten up and please, just let me continue on this journey with few bumps in the road. You are making it difficult!

Love,
Jen

I've lost 5o pounds. That's about the weight of my seven year-old daughter! I LOST A KID!

I'm feeling very accomplished. Very excited. Very motivated. Even though I have so much to lose, and 50 pounds on me is like 5 pounds on a normal person, it means so much to have lost weight consistently.

Wish me luck! It's a constant journey. I have good and bad days, but really, most of them are now good.