My life is in such disarray. I'm trying to get my mojo and just go with the flow. It' s so hard when life just busts you and goes in the total opposite direction!

I've got an appointment with an oncologist on June 10th. I hope he does my hysterectomy ASAP. I'm in a whole lot of pain and am still having those sorts of issues. I worry that my weight will be a hindrance in my surgery. I worry about that incessantly. But, I am also at a point where the anemia is taking a toll and I just need to get better.

Weight loss is at a stall, again. This could be due to the bloating, due to the fact that I'm just trying to do the Medifast as successfully as possible. I need to go on with this and I hope to lose some decent weight by the 10th. At least I'll be a bit lighter for the appointment. I'm nervous!

Keep On Keeping On

Well, my boot camp mentality quickly became my Just-Try-To-Survive mentality! I am feeling very slow and tired because of the anemia. I only made it to Curves twice this week. I have stopped walking because I can't catch my breath. (Thanks, anemia!)

I also had my doctor here in Tucson tell me I needed my hysterectomy RIGHT NOW. So, I have an appointment with an oncologist on Tuesday which is completely futile because I have every intention on moving in 16 days and I can't be recovering from a hysterectomy with no home, right?

I will wait and have my surgery in Houston, where I can actually relax and just recover in my new, own home.

My weight loss is going okay. I'm down a total of 62 pounds down since December, 2009. Not too shabby. I know I could have probably lost more but these issues do make it difficult. The Medifast has been such a blessing. I'm worried because I don't have my next month's shipment due to the move and I am worried because it's so hard to stay on plan while traveling. But, I plan to do my absolute best and just to keep in mind I can take meals with me and try to be pro-active in that.

I need to keep on keeping on, and I will. I'm worried what my surgery will do and how it will affect my weight loss but I need to know it will improve the quality of my life tremendously!

I moved past my stall. I've officially lost 55 pounds! I've got a great boot camp mentality for May. I am being very stringent with my routine, my food intake, water intake, and exercise. More than anything, I want to lose some weight for a wedding on Memorial Day weekend. I CAN do it!

These past two weeks have been rough. I had a cold, so only went to Curves twice in two weeks. I am so incredibly tired and can't explain why. I had an incident at my daughter's school where kids actually physically pulled other kids aside so they could all gawk at me. Not my finest moment, that's for sure. It set me off into a depression, but I also got some form of gumption and decided to use that negative energy for something positive. Hence, the boot camp for May. It's self-inflicted, and is working! ;-)

My life feels at a stand-still right now. May have cancer. Definitely need a hysterectomy this summer. Definitely moving in 27 days. Definitely have an annoying teenager. Definitely am tired of being a single mom for a lot of the time. Definitely wishing I had more energy. Definitely working on the weight loss.

Lots of definites in my life. Not all good, but not all necessarily bad. I need for life to continue, I'm just tired of being at a standstill.

Embarrassed

I went to pick up my daughter yesterday and kids were looking at me. Not only were they laughing and pointing, they were calling other kids to come look at me. I felt like a circus freak. They looked me up and down. I was in total shock, didn't even have the energy to fight it.

I did manage to stare them out and give them "the look" but it was humiliating. I can't imagine these children have never in their lives seen a fat person. Why was I so different? I mean, I'm fat. I know that. But, it was just odd and so extremely humiliating.

It took me a lot to get through that yesterday. My feelings were hurt and I cried a while. Today I woke up and got back to life. What else can I do? Someday I won't be stuck in this body and will be a normal weight. It is so tough. :(

I'm stalled. I'm plateaued. Whatever you call it, I feel stuck.

But, I'm not giving up. I did start walking and I increased calories a bit to make up for the walking. I can only hope it moves the scale. It's frustrating, but I'm not giving up.

Stuck

I'm stuck, plateaued, whatever...I've lost 50 pounds and for almost a month, I haven't budged.

But, I'm gaining some awesome muscle and I've lost 10" around my entire body since February!

I also started walking. Wow, is that taking a toll. But, I need to do it. Hema and I walk in the evenings. It's nice sharing my weight loss goals and successes with her. She's only 7, but she loves walking with me and just going out. She even commented how you notice different things when you walk. How right is she?

I wish I could write that things are "looking up" but they aren't, really. I'm pretty overwhelmed.

My pre-cancer diagnosis has now turned into a "will-get-cancer-any-minute"diagnosis. I'm beyond bummed, obviously! I just wish I would have never let myself get to this point. For today, I'm going whine, bitch, and moan. After today, I'm only looking forward. I might whine a bit later on. Sorry.

Today my daughter made her First Holy Communion. I'm not super-duper religious and haven't even been considered a Catholic for many years. But, she goes to a Catholic school and learns a lot of yummy religious jargon and stuff, so she wanted to do the Communion.

She looked beautiful. A beautiful princess. I have so much to lose weight for, and seeing her today reminded me of that. It may be cancer, it may be weight, it may be walking across the street that kills me, but today I'm making the decision to say that at least, it won't be from being overweight.

Tough Day

Sometimes, I sit and wonder why this time will be any different? Why will I lose weight this time as opposed to the millions of other times I tried and failed?

I had a rough day. I continue to have a rough time with wanting to gorge myself out on anything and everything I can get my hands on. I'm trying desperately to identify the reason I am so obsessed with food. I can't put my finger on it and it's really very annoying and so frustrating.

I feel like if I had the answer, I could continue on this journey with the mental portion of the puzzle solved. But, that hasn't happened. I'm so frustrated.

I keep on keeping on. I went to the gym today, ate decently, and did some outdoor things to challenge myself. But, the desire to overeat is horrible.

Wish this piece of my puzzle could be put in place and let go. I just can't figure out why it's happening and I feel like if I solved that mystery, I'd be so ahead of the game. All in due time, I suppose.

Dear Mom,

I love you but you need to stop sabotaging my weight loss! Last week it was Mexican candy you know I love. A few days later it was loaves of bread you know I can never resist. Then, it came time for Easter dinner, and you kept saying you wanted me to go over to eat. Today, it's Peeps. Yes, the Easter candy Peeps.

I've managed to avoid every one of these traps. But, it makes me sad that you can't support me, especially since you know I'm trying so desperately to lose weight. Also, you know I'm succeeding at losing weight.

Lighten up and please, just let me continue on this journey with few bumps in the road. You are making it difficult!

Love,
Jen

I've lost 5o pounds. That's about the weight of my seven year-old daughter! I LOST A KID!

I'm feeling very accomplished. Very excited. Very motivated. Even though I have so much to lose, and 50 pounds on me is like 5 pounds on a normal person, it means so much to have lost weight consistently.

Wish me luck! It's a constant journey. I have good and bad days, but really, most of them are now good.

Sometimes, dieting sucks.

I really want a huge bowl of Captain Crunch (With Crunchberries) right about now!

http://www.cnn.com/2010/HEALTH/03/28/fatty.foods.brain/index.html?hpt=C1

Very interesting...

I'm having a very difficult day. Not only am I stuck pretty much sitting around (thank you messed up core muscles!) but I'm depressed. I am depressed about losing about 40 pounds and not even looking like it. I'm depressed that I don't need new clothes yet.

I'm regressing from the accident. I keep thinking about the what-ifs. What if my daughter had been in the truck with me? She would have been crushed behind my seat. What if she would have died? It's a morbid thought, but it's plaguing me today.

Have I been the kind of parent to my kids that I'd want to have? No way! I'm fat, I'm not the most exciting, fun, engaging parent in the world. Had she or my son passed away that day, I think I would have felt extreme guilt for always being the fat mom, not the fun energetic mom.

I do have to give myself credit in that I love my children a lot. I tell them, I hug them, and I show them. Each kid is different. One loves hugs and kisses, and the other needs to be shown in different ways. I can only pray that if anything were to happen to either of them, they would know I love them and even though I fight my own demons with weight, they have always been my loves.

I am losing weight for them. For me. For my husband. For my future grandkids. I want to enjoy my life and I hope I can soon. This diet is for all these reasons. I get down and wish things were different, that I could be one of those women who never put on weight or who get up at 6am and jog everyday to keep healthy. Maybe someday I will be that mom, but for today, I hug my kiddos and just tell them how much I love them. It's all I can do, and I hope it's enough.

This is a very tough road to travel.

2 slices of pizza
2 slices of Italian bread
1 half-order of sweet and sour pork
1 half-order of cashew chicken
1 thai iced tea
1 order of 2 vietnamese summer rolls (not fried mind you!)
fried rice
3 medifast meals
1 cup cottage cheese
about 20 wheat thins

This is what I ate yesterday in a matter of two hours.

I was physically sick. I don't know why I did it. I feel horrible physically and emotionally. I need to stop beating myself up. Could it be because...

• I was in a car accident 2 weeks ago. (not my fault, but still traumatic.)
• I was in the hospital Monday because of said car accident injury.
• I can't move much and do much because of my injury.
• I am closing on a 2nd home today.
• I live six houses down from my parents, and if we got along it would be great.
• I have a very moody, disrespectful teenager living with me.
• I live alone most of the time, my husband travels for work.
• In the past year, I've moved to Arizona and pretty much hate every minute of it.
• I left behind my home, my life, my friends in Austin.
• I almost died in December due to acute anemia. I needed transfusions and surgery.
• I need another surgery, but need to lose weight and get iron levels up to get it. (Hysterectomy) Until then, my bleeding has not stopped.
  
• I still suffer from severe anemia, leaving me pretty listless

So...I suppose I have a reason to be upset and emotional. But, the exercise and eating well was helping me so much. I suppose God has some lesson in life for me. I need to keep on keeping on, you know?

I'm struggling a lot this week. I started using Medifast because of the ease of it. I'm in and out of my house, oh, six or seven times a day. Getting kids from school, going to the store, getting dry cleaning, etc...I love the ease of grabbing a bar, or a shake and just going on with my day.

However, this week I'm struggling so much. I am really trying hard not to take little sips of this or tastes of that. Everything is becoming challenging. I don't know why.

I sat in a McDonald's parking lot on Wednesday. I sat there for 30 minutes trying my best to rationalize why I deserved a hamburger. I lost 2lbs, so therefore I deserve a burger. I had a rough week, a burger would make me feel better. Many know the drill, and I know it all too well.

I left the parking lot hamburger free. It took me that long to remember it has been 4 months since I have had a burger! And, I don't miss it!

Measurements and Weight
February 11, 2010-March 11, 2010

Weightloss: 11.2lbs
Inches lost total: 4.75

I can do this! Why do I make it so much harder than it is? The proof is in the amount of weight and inches lost in a month!

Car Accidents=Total Fun (Not!)

I was in a car accident last Saturday. My son and I were not seriously injured but we were rear-ended, and it caused some major damage to our paid off 4Runner.

Weird thing happened during the incident--my front seat broke and reclined 100%. So, my lower abdominal muscles felt like I had done 5, 433 sit-ups! I kept wondering if it was the equivalent to that much exercise, but since they still hurt 10 days later, I think not.

We are all safe, our 4Runner is fixable, and life has returned to normal. I didn't go to Curves for the entire week last week, and that actually bothered me! I re-started today and feel great getting back out there.

I am going through a weird thing where I've lost 2 more pounds, and I'm officially down 40 pounds. So I figure since I'm down that much, I deserve a reward, a FOOD reward. What am I thinking? WHY WOULD I DO THAT?

I want to slap myself silly! I sat in the McDonald's parking lot today, thinking it has been over 3 months since I have had a hamburger from anywhere. Three months, people! I miss Big Macs. I miss Whoppers. I miss any hamburger. But, I then realized I don't miss them that much. It actually sounded unappetizing. And I left.

Tomorrow is another day.

New Recipes

I found the site Pioneer Woman a while ago. Her recipes seem so yummy and decadent! I wish I could alter them to be more heart-healthy, and while some are, many aren't.

I'm working at making things that are healthy for myself and my family. It's a work in progress!

Traveling Makes Life Difficult!

I went to buy a home in Houston last week. We bought one! But, the traveling really, really messed up my eating. I did fine during the day, because my husband worked all week. We ate healthy in the hotel, but dinner was eating out.

I made some good choices. Mostly okay choices. I gained 2 pounds! I honestly expected it to be worse. Today is back on track, back to normal! My stomach has felt awful so I know it's been the eating.

Another week--more weightloss!

Traveling

I'm traveling for the next two weeks. I'll be in Houston, home to some amazing Cajun cooking, along with some yummy barbecue and all sorts of ethnic delicacies. My weaknesses: sushi, Indian food, and Thai food.

Traveling almost always gets me in trouble. I'm nervous. But, we are getting a hotel with a kitchen so I can at least cook breakfast, lunches, and snacks during the day. Dinners will be good to make there, too. I can hope, can't I? I feel like I'm just lying to myself but I need to make a concerted effort to make food in the room and do my best to choose healthy options if we eat out.

Reminiscing

I had soup and 2 turkey burger patties for dinner tonight. (I needed veggies, but hey, I'm out!)

I was reminiscing about my days of Atkins. 3 large turkey burger patties, lettuce, tomato, cheese, and a side of 3 scrambled eggs. The gluttony! The yumminess. And for dessert? Pork rinds! I was in heaven! At least now I know what my body responds to and loads of fatty meat, eggs, cheese, and mayo do not do my body well.

Now I think about Atkins, the message boards that gave me weird ideas. (Pork rind pancakes! Yogurt/Egg fast! Sugar-free DaVinci syrups!) Okay, the syrups were heaven sent, but everything else? Blech!

First Gym Experience

It's not my first gym/Curves experience in my life, but it's my first in about 2 years. The woman who helped me was so cheerful at 6am. I smelled like night sweats (HELLO! wacked out hormones!) and probably like sweat, as I was exercising.

The woman was great. She had so much pep and energy. Like the kind of person who was once a cheerleader in high school, only not nearly as annoying. She was very encouraging. I liked that. I think she's a keeper, and I think I'll go back. I feel productive, even if it was 6am, I smelled, and I forgot to brush my teeth before I went. She earned her paycheck today!

Joined A Gym!

I re-joined Curves today. It has been pretty good to me in the past, and I really need to start working out since the whole almost-dying-from-anemia thing affected my heart and my breathing.

I'm nervous to start. I'm only supposed to work at 50% according to my doctor. I feel like an old person! But, he knows what is best.

Wish me luck! I'm excited to start. It feels like a new beginning, and Lord knows I'm NEVER excited about exercise.

Great Article: The "Dreaded" Scale!

I loved this article. It showed we should be proud of our NSVs. (Non-scale victories.) There is so much more involved in losing weight than the number on that scale, which often times can make or break our day/week.

For me, the scale just regurgitates a weight. What it doesn't say is:

• I have more energy
• I sleep better at night
• I can move around a little bit better
• My clothes are fitting better

These are all very important NSVs that the pesky scale can't see! It's worth reading the article to help remember these things!

10 Worst Restaurant Sandwiches

I went out to dinner today. We love to eat out, which is probably not the best thing for weightloss. Recently, Yahoo.com's opening page often has some interesting articles on restaurants, and the food they serve.

I was COMPLETELY shocked by today's article regarding The Ten Worst Sandwiches in America. I love sandwiches, and always feel they're a "safe" food to go to at a restaurant, but this article totally opened my eyes to that fallacy!

Another article showed the worst appetizers/starters and I was also really shocked!

At Village Inn, I ordered the grilled fish, no sauce, no oil, butter, etc...and a double serving of broccoli just steamed. However, after reading these articles, I'm wondering what the heck restaurants really put in my food! Goes to show cooking at home is very safe and we know what's going into our meals!

BTW, down 1lb this week. Wanted it to be more, but I can feel inches melting away, so that's always good.

Husband, too!

My husband recently told me since last April, he's gained about 30lbs! I never noticed, simply because I am not the type to notice those things. Anyhow, I was shocked! He travels non-stop from country to country, and really he realizes his eating habits have not done him well. He traveled in primarily Asian countries and realized he was eating tons of rice.

So, when he was in Egypt he would often eat breakfast consisting of simply lentils and sometimes meat. He realized limiting rice was huge for him.

Now, he would like to primarily follow a Mediterranean diet. I can't blame him! The food is good, grilled meats/fish are healthy when prepared properly, and the veggies, salads, and oils are also healthy. So, I'm going to help him and encourage him as well.

He travels and has to eat out everyday, so I'm just encouraging him to go to places where he can have grilled meats, steamed or roasted veggies, and somethings that are light, versus things soaked in butter, oil, or other things we know nothing about!

First Post

I started losing weight recently due to an illness. (Severe anemia.) I am going to blog about my weightloss. I'm down 29lbs since December 5th, when I was weighed during my first hospital visit.

First site I'd like to share? This is Why You're Fat I can't say I indulge in some of these really off-the-wall food creations, but I'm guilty of eating the wrong things most of the time. Interesting, and frightening site!