Sometimes, dieting sucks.

I really want a huge bowl of Captain Crunch (With Crunchberries) right about now!

http://www.cnn.com/2010/HEALTH/03/28/fatty.foods.brain/index.html?hpt=C1

Very interesting...

I'm having a very difficult day. Not only am I stuck pretty much sitting around (thank you messed up core muscles!) but I'm depressed. I am depressed about losing about 40 pounds and not even looking like it. I'm depressed that I don't need new clothes yet.

I'm regressing from the accident. I keep thinking about the what-ifs. What if my daughter had been in the truck with me? She would have been crushed behind my seat. What if she would have died? It's a morbid thought, but it's plaguing me today.

Have I been the kind of parent to my kids that I'd want to have? No way! I'm fat, I'm not the most exciting, fun, engaging parent in the world. Had she or my son passed away that day, I think I would have felt extreme guilt for always being the fat mom, not the fun energetic mom.

I do have to give myself credit in that I love my children a lot. I tell them, I hug them, and I show them. Each kid is different. One loves hugs and kisses, and the other needs to be shown in different ways. I can only pray that if anything were to happen to either of them, they would know I love them and even though I fight my own demons with weight, they have always been my loves.

I am losing weight for them. For me. For my husband. For my future grandkids. I want to enjoy my life and I hope I can soon. This diet is for all these reasons. I get down and wish things were different, that I could be one of those women who never put on weight or who get up at 6am and jog everyday to keep healthy. Maybe someday I will be that mom, but for today, I hug my kiddos and just tell them how much I love them. It's all I can do, and I hope it's enough.

This is a very tough road to travel.

2 slices of pizza
2 slices of Italian bread
1 half-order of sweet and sour pork
1 half-order of cashew chicken
1 thai iced tea
1 order of 2 vietnamese summer rolls (not fried mind you!)
fried rice
3 medifast meals
1 cup cottage cheese
about 20 wheat thins

This is what I ate yesterday in a matter of two hours.

I was physically sick. I don't know why I did it. I feel horrible physically and emotionally. I need to stop beating myself up. Could it be because...

• I was in a car accident 2 weeks ago. (not my fault, but still traumatic.)
• I was in the hospital Monday because of said car accident injury.
• I can't move much and do much because of my injury.
• I am closing on a 2nd home today.
• I live six houses down from my parents, and if we got along it would be great.
• I have a very moody, disrespectful teenager living with me.
• I live alone most of the time, my husband travels for work.
• In the past year, I've moved to Arizona and pretty much hate every minute of it.
• I left behind my home, my life, my friends in Austin.
• I almost died in December due to acute anemia. I needed transfusions and surgery.
• I need another surgery, but need to lose weight and get iron levels up to get it. (Hysterectomy) Until then, my bleeding has not stopped.
  
• I still suffer from severe anemia, leaving me pretty listless

So...I suppose I have a reason to be upset and emotional. But, the exercise and eating well was helping me so much. I suppose God has some lesson in life for me. I need to keep on keeping on, you know?

I'm struggling a lot this week. I started using Medifast because of the ease of it. I'm in and out of my house, oh, six or seven times a day. Getting kids from school, going to the store, getting dry cleaning, etc...I love the ease of grabbing a bar, or a shake and just going on with my day.

However, this week I'm struggling so much. I am really trying hard not to take little sips of this or tastes of that. Everything is becoming challenging. I don't know why.

I sat in a McDonald's parking lot on Wednesday. I sat there for 30 minutes trying my best to rationalize why I deserved a hamburger. I lost 2lbs, so therefore I deserve a burger. I had a rough week, a burger would make me feel better. Many know the drill, and I know it all too well.

I left the parking lot hamburger free. It took me that long to remember it has been 4 months since I have had a burger! And, I don't miss it!

Measurements and Weight
February 11, 2010-March 11, 2010

Weightloss: 11.2lbs
Inches lost total: 4.75

I can do this! Why do I make it so much harder than it is? The proof is in the amount of weight and inches lost in a month!

Car Accidents=Total Fun (Not!)

I was in a car accident last Saturday. My son and I were not seriously injured but we were rear-ended, and it caused some major damage to our paid off 4Runner.

Weird thing happened during the incident--my front seat broke and reclined 100%. So, my lower abdominal muscles felt like I had done 5, 433 sit-ups! I kept wondering if it was the equivalent to that much exercise, but since they still hurt 10 days later, I think not.

We are all safe, our 4Runner is fixable, and life has returned to normal. I didn't go to Curves for the entire week last week, and that actually bothered me! I re-started today and feel great getting back out there.

I am going through a weird thing where I've lost 2 more pounds, and I'm officially down 40 pounds. So I figure since I'm down that much, I deserve a reward, a FOOD reward. What am I thinking? WHY WOULD I DO THAT?

I want to slap myself silly! I sat in the McDonald's parking lot today, thinking it has been over 3 months since I have had a hamburger from anywhere. Three months, people! I miss Big Macs. I miss Whoppers. I miss any hamburger. But, I then realized I don't miss them that much. It actually sounded unappetizing. And I left.

Tomorrow is another day.

New Recipes

I found the site Pioneer Woman a while ago. Her recipes seem so yummy and decadent! I wish I could alter them to be more heart-healthy, and while some are, many aren't.

I'm working at making things that are healthy for myself and my family. It's a work in progress!

Traveling Makes Life Difficult!

I went to buy a home in Houston last week. We bought one! But, the traveling really, really messed up my eating. I did fine during the day, because my husband worked all week. We ate healthy in the hotel, but dinner was eating out.

I made some good choices. Mostly okay choices. I gained 2 pounds! I honestly expected it to be worse. Today is back on track, back to normal! My stomach has felt awful so I know it's been the eating.

Another week--more weightloss!