My life is in such disarray. I'm trying to get my mojo and just go with the flow. It' s so hard when life just busts you and goes in the total opposite direction!

I've got an appointment with an oncologist on June 10th. I hope he does my hysterectomy ASAP. I'm in a whole lot of pain and am still having those sorts of issues. I worry that my weight will be a hindrance in my surgery. I worry about that incessantly. But, I am also at a point where the anemia is taking a toll and I just need to get better.

Weight loss is at a stall, again. This could be due to the bloating, due to the fact that I'm just trying to do the Medifast as successfully as possible. I need to go on with this and I hope to lose some decent weight by the 10th. At least I'll be a bit lighter for the appointment. I'm nervous!

Keep On Keeping On

Well, my boot camp mentality quickly became my Just-Try-To-Survive mentality! I am feeling very slow and tired because of the anemia. I only made it to Curves twice this week. I have stopped walking because I can't catch my breath. (Thanks, anemia!)

I also had my doctor here in Tucson tell me I needed my hysterectomy RIGHT NOW. So, I have an appointment with an oncologist on Tuesday which is completely futile because I have every intention on moving in 16 days and I can't be recovering from a hysterectomy with no home, right?

I will wait and have my surgery in Houston, where I can actually relax and just recover in my new, own home.

My weight loss is going okay. I'm down a total of 62 pounds down since December, 2009. Not too shabby. I know I could have probably lost more but these issues do make it difficult. The Medifast has been such a blessing. I'm worried because I don't have my next month's shipment due to the move and I am worried because it's so hard to stay on plan while traveling. But, I plan to do my absolute best and just to keep in mind I can take meals with me and try to be pro-active in that.

I need to keep on keeping on, and I will. I'm worried what my surgery will do and how it will affect my weight loss but I need to know it will improve the quality of my life tremendously!

I moved past my stall. I've officially lost 55 pounds! I've got a great boot camp mentality for May. I am being very stringent with my routine, my food intake, water intake, and exercise. More than anything, I want to lose some weight for a wedding on Memorial Day weekend. I CAN do it!

These past two weeks have been rough. I had a cold, so only went to Curves twice in two weeks. I am so incredibly tired and can't explain why. I had an incident at my daughter's school where kids actually physically pulled other kids aside so they could all gawk at me. Not my finest moment, that's for sure. It set me off into a depression, but I also got some form of gumption and decided to use that negative energy for something positive. Hence, the boot camp for May. It's self-inflicted, and is working! ;-)

My life feels at a stand-still right now. May have cancer. Definitely need a hysterectomy this summer. Definitely moving in 27 days. Definitely have an annoying teenager. Definitely am tired of being a single mom for a lot of the time. Definitely wishing I had more energy. Definitely working on the weight loss.

Lots of definites in my life. Not all good, but not all necessarily bad. I need for life to continue, I'm just tired of being at a standstill.

Embarrassed

I went to pick up my daughter yesterday and kids were looking at me. Not only were they laughing and pointing, they were calling other kids to come look at me. I felt like a circus freak. They looked me up and down. I was in total shock, didn't even have the energy to fight it.

I did manage to stare them out and give them "the look" but it was humiliating. I can't imagine these children have never in their lives seen a fat person. Why was I so different? I mean, I'm fat. I know that. But, it was just odd and so extremely humiliating.

It took me a lot to get through that yesterday. My feelings were hurt and I cried a while. Today I woke up and got back to life. What else can I do? Someday I won't be stuck in this body and will be a normal weight. It is so tough. :(

I'm stalled. I'm plateaued. Whatever you call it, I feel stuck.

But, I'm not giving up. I did start walking and I increased calories a bit to make up for the walking. I can only hope it moves the scale. It's frustrating, but I'm not giving up.

Stuck

I'm stuck, plateaued, whatever...I've lost 50 pounds and for almost a month, I haven't budged.

But, I'm gaining some awesome muscle and I've lost 10" around my entire body since February!

I also started walking. Wow, is that taking a toll. But, I need to do it. Hema and I walk in the evenings. It's nice sharing my weight loss goals and successes with her. She's only 7, but she loves walking with me and just going out. She even commented how you notice different things when you walk. How right is she?

I wish I could write that things are "looking up" but they aren't, really. I'm pretty overwhelmed.

My pre-cancer diagnosis has now turned into a "will-get-cancer-any-minute"diagnosis. I'm beyond bummed, obviously! I just wish I would have never let myself get to this point. For today, I'm going whine, bitch, and moan. After today, I'm only looking forward. I might whine a bit later on. Sorry.

Today my daughter made her First Holy Communion. I'm not super-duper religious and haven't even been considered a Catholic for many years. But, she goes to a Catholic school and learns a lot of yummy religious jargon and stuff, so she wanted to do the Communion.

She looked beautiful. A beautiful princess. I have so much to lose weight for, and seeing her today reminded me of that. It may be cancer, it may be weight, it may be walking across the street that kills me, but today I'm making the decision to say that at least, it won't be from being overweight.